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Sep. 26th, 2010

Curse you

Do you ever wonder....

....about the people that live around you?

I am reading and article about Kevin Ray Underwood (killer) and it states that he lived in an aprtment right below his victim. and this has got me to thinking about who lives around me? Are they mass murders, rapists, sociopaths? The guy that lives next to me, I am sure is a boderline line pedophile or at the very least a statory rapist, I am almost sure of it. He is in his 20's, but he is constantly parading girls in his apartment that look like they are 16 or 17. And they are not coming over for tea and cookies. It is just weird. I have just got to thinking and it makes me wish that people had a bubble above there heads displaying any adverse traits they might have, so I know to avoid them. Eh, just another random thoguht swimming through my mind.

Apr. 3rd, 2010


It is a gorgeous day outside today, but I have to be at work. Eh, it is not a problem. I actually feel more like myself that I ever have. I mean, I FEEL great. Not good, not so-so, actually GREAT! I do not know if the fates decided that I have had enough punishemnt for whatever, but my life is actually starting to turn around, FOR THE BETTER, If you can believe that.

I already have half my medical expenses paid off, it is not all of them, but it is many more than I originally had paid off. I have one more payment on a loan a friend gave me last year, and that will be paid, sqeeee. And I have 3 more credit cards to pay off and then I am done. I can not tell how exciting it is to mail that payment every week and know that the payment is going down. It is like sex and chocolate all rolled into one for me. I just get giddy. And I have a freaking savings!! OMG, I can not explain how happy this makes me. God help somebody if they freaking touch it, even me. Hard, but sooo worth it. I know I could use it on bills, but I have to start putting away money for savings. Plus, I have a plan, and my budget is working AMAZingly. It really put things into perspective when you where each penny is going, and you can let you creditors know when they are going to get there money.

My weight is starting to drop dramatically. Seriously, it is stupid how easy this weight is falling off me. I should be at 115.00 - 120.00 in about 2 months. I know I got down to around 115.00 last year, but the depression hit, and the tidal wave of bad habits came back. And I ballooned way up, at least for me. I do not know, i just feel like life is changing for me. I love exercising and eating healthy. I just think something in the weather kicked it all back up in me.

I feel great, and I think it shows. Even with me soo freaking busy, I feel great. I think I work much better, when I have a million things going on. Getting ready for school in the fall has me excited. I LOVE, LOVE school. So, that s super exciting.

Things with me and Michael are good, and I actually happy where we are. i just do not know what the future holds for me, but I am excited to see what is out there. Life is about the good and the bad, stuggles and conquests, and how we all fit into the world. Life is about being me. And I really love life right now.

and ingore all the spelling errors because I could less right now. You get the gist of what I am saying. I AM FINALLY HAPPY AGAIN!!

Jan. 31st, 2010


Is it really this hard to understand. I just do not know anymore.

I like my stuff where it is. I do not make excuses for it, it is my stuff. MINE. I know, I know, what are you talking about Tracie, please tell us.

Ok, so yesterday, i get off from work, and go home to log onto to my computer. Lo and behold, the kids are on there. ;/ I don't really mind, but when I have working ten hours, I just want to come home and be able to MY (i have before Michael and I EVER got married) computer. I not bitchy, i just wait until they get off (which is NEVER) or until Michael tells them for the 100th time to get off (which for the record pisses me off, but that is another story). So, i finally am able to log on to the system, and out comes this blarring noise. Now, for those of you that do not know, I have a headset attached to my computer for WOW playing because I need it for ventrilo. I have told Michael I do not want it removed, much like my keyboard, because I am set in my ways, and I just do not want it removed. I freak out.

Michael says the kids were listening to music. And I told him in no uncertain terms, i do not mind if the kids use my computer, but do not change anything, NOTHING. I get mad, and I am trying to plug my headset back in and we are just going at it. He says he does not know what the big deal is, and I say, I do not want anyone messing with my computer. Plain and simple. And he keeps saying, I don;t know what the big deal is?? And starts going on about the front cover is off my damn computer and he does not knw what my problem is. Well, I am telling you what my problem is, DONT mess with my computer. I do not care, it is mine. NOTE: I am a little OCD about certain things, have been since I was a child, and I will go off, if anybody touches those things. And then he proceeds and throw the headset at me, and says somthing else (i do not remember what he said). And said we do not worry about it, I will keep the kids off of your computer. I said fine, that makes me happy. He says a few more things, and I counter with, I did not do anything here (other than get mad about somethingmessing with sound), so how am I in the wrong? And we just end the fight.

So my question is, am i n the wrong? Should I just allow someone to screw with my computer like that?

Jan. 30th, 2010

Lots of things...

Lots of things are going on in my head. Lots of things I want to change. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of being this miserable grump that "I" do not even want to be around. I am going to make that change and beign the person that I know I can be.

Just not some grumpy ass person, who wants to sit and whine about how grumpy she is. Nope, not me. I am going to change.

Time to rev you engines ladies. I am getting ready for a make over, EVERYWHERE.

WOW - woot and stuff

Apparently, Amber (of Age and Amber fame) is on the same server and guild that I am in. Did not see that one coming.

That just made me happy.

On the thought of kids...

I really do not know if I like kids of not. I really don't. My husband thinks that I believe all kids should be banish to the 7th plane of hell and be tortured there, but I just do not know anymore. It is easy to say, I hate kids, blah blah blah, and then just go about your merry way, but I honestly do not think that is where I am at. Or, I just do not like that all encompasing way of looking at how i feel, and just automatically saying you do not like kids. Life is about nuances, and those nuances make the difference in a lot of situations. I know I do not want children, but that does not mean, that I dimiss all kids. Unruley ones, yes, well behaved children, no.

In day to day life, I do not even notice children, UNLESS they are loud and obnoxious. Then i get frustrated, but I do not even pay attention to them. Most time they are like little ghosts to me. I like children to be well behaved, and when they are not, that is fine, but you just have to correct them. Kids are going to make mistakes, but it is how you correct them, that really makes the difference.

In my life, there are two kids, Marley (age 12 or 13) and Evan (age 9, I think). Marley is good. She is a teenager and therefore I am able to comminicate better with her. Evan on the other hand is devil spawn, plain and simple. I just do not like him, and honestly can not think of a good thing to say about him. Everything is all about him, and he does not take into consideration anything outside his world, and he whines about everything that he does not get. plus, he does not listen to save his life and Michael does nothing about it. And this is where I believe a parent should step in, but Michael does not. He has that parental view that his kids do nothing wrong and that frustrates me. Actually, in truth, it pisses me off.

I just do not know how much longer, I can truthfully deal with his negatve presence. It just annoys me. And i think it will be the breaking point for Michael and I. Sadly.
smile - it hides everything

And the thoughts just keep on coming...

so, last night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep, and I decided I would write out things I think about.

I think alot right before bed. EXA: I will never eat fast food again, I will not drink coke, why did I do that embaraasing thing today, lots of things. I mean lots. So, i decided I will use it to try and help myself. Help yourself, but you do not need help. Oh yes, I do. I am in a whirlwind of never knowing what to do next in my life. And trying to get back to the person I used to be. I used to be so vibrant and happy, and now I really do not know what I am. The antithesis of vibrant and happy. I am gruff, mean, and anit-social. And I do not really know why. I just hate everything and most, if not all things, I think are stupid. And bless Amber and Margaret hearts, they have stood right beside me, forced me to get out, understood when I didn't want to, and they are still here. Helping me work through my shit. I do love my friends, and I do want to get out, but when the day comes, I freak out and turn into somebody I do not even know. And sometimes I can work through it and end up going to whatever party it may be, but sometimes I just run and hide. Why?? why do you run and hide. Sometimes, because I think I am fat and disgusting and I do not want anybody seeing me like this. I am really, I know logically I am not fat, but I am bigger than I was a couple of years ago. And for some reason, I think my friends judge me for that. Go figure. Next, i feel like my life is stagnant, dead really. I do not know what joy there is in life anymore. Just very frustrating. I go to work, come home, go to work again, lather, rinse, and repeat. Nothing, that is all there is. I am negatvie about everything. I do not want to be, I just am. I say something to one of my friends (when I actually make it out), then automatically right after, I feel like a complete douche bag for saying that because it is prolly the most negative thing you can say. Of all the statements I could have come up with, I had to say the most god awful thng on the face of the planet. Now, I am embarassed, and want to go run and hide, again. I just need to get out of this never ending circle of unhappiness with myself. I know it is all in my head, but I just have to realize it is all in my head and jar it out of there.

I understand that I have depression due to the stroke. Damnit. I could have handled the stroke, but did you have to throw this on to? What is it, just trying to see how much crap I can actually handle. Just very frustrating fates. And I KNOW you are listening. I just want to get back to that girl who never saw a cloudy day, who always saw the glass as half full, instead fo thinking that a tornado is going to destroy us all and why drink out a damn glass anyways?

This is my first thought of the day.....more to come I am SURE of it.

Jan. 23rd, 2010

Here again...

So here I am at my second job, and nothing to really do. I am bored. All I do is check people out, and that is if they do me the courtsey of coming by the front desk.

Oh well. Get paid to sit here, watch DVD's, and talk to you guys. Could be worse. Right? But, all in all, pretty good gig.

Jan. 20th, 2010


I am bored at my second job. Only, 5 more hours to go.

Oh well. At least I can get on livejournal here unlike my other job who are complete nazis when it comes to the internet.

Oh, and I saw Jennifer's Body over the weekend. Two thumbs way up. I would give it that just for the lingo. When she asked for a tampon after being stabbed, i almost blew my drink out my nose.

Oh well. Back to work. I have got Bible Thumpers to service.

Dec. 11th, 2009

(no subject)

It is FRIDAY!!!!

Do a little dance, make a little love,.......

I am so happy.

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